Feeling Trapped HERE: Stream of Consciousness Saturday (Part 1)

Linda’s Friday prompt for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness post is “hear/here.” I think I’m going to do this in two parts, starting with “here.”

10530768_10202456215468170_2235054169176470936_nI’ve been struggling for several weeks to feel like myself. The one good thing I know is that I have not been dwelling in the past. And I’m only mildly dabbling in the future — though that is part of my “long-range” planning for heading back to the US next summer. My point is that, for now, I try to be in the present. I try to be here.

The unfortunate thing is that at the moment, here is not an especially nice place to be. I can’t seem to get excited about what to do here. I know this is the best chunk of time I’m going to have for the next twelve months. Yet, I can’t seem to enjoy and explore the here and now.

Luckily, there are moments, when I get little glimpses of motivation and wonder here. And I daresay that those moments might be coming a little more often than they did during the last few weeks. This gives me hope because there are things I want to do in my present here, so that I can make a relatively smooth transition to the future.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or even suggestions. I feel like I’m finding my way out of this. It’s just been a frustration to feel like the moments float by me without my participation. I am not usually this passive — therefore, the discomfort is — haha — uncomfortable. I guess the main reason for following this train of thought in this post is that I’ve learned that these little Saturday exercises often move me to the next level if I let this unconscious part come to the surface. So here I am.

Another reason I can recognize that things are improving is that my productivity is slowly returning to a more normal level. Not quite as good as I’d like, but still — it’s significant. The goal setting I’ve been doing over the past few weeks was supplemented this week by a few “concentrated lists” for a particular day and time. That seemed to make a difference. In other words, I like contests, games, challenges. I need to remember and use that to my advantage, even when I think I don’t have the desire to play.

Because that is the other key: making sure that fun and play are part of my here. It’s important to give myself down time and to really give myself over to the playful side, like when I take time out for Zentangle with coffee, of course (as in the picture above) and a couple finished Zentangles in the photo below.

As August gets into full swing, I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about here, and I look forward to having some fun things to show you in the near future.

You might want to check out a whole other angle of this week’s SofCS with my post about HEAR.  🙂

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If you’d like to join in, please do. It’s a great way to meet new people and see new blogs!

Here are the rules from Linda’s page:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people will come and read your post! The way to ping back, is to just copy and paste the URL of my post somewhere on your post. Then your URL will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. For example, in your post you can copy and paste the following: This post is part of SoCS: http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/08/01/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-214/  The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!

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28 comments on “Feeling Trapped HERE: Stream of Consciousness Saturday (Part 1)

  1. Ah, you are not the only one. I just had a bad spell of “not being here” at work. It was stressful and a co-worker of mine could not do a few shifts so they brought someone in to help out. I had to explain things to him but as he is trained for another department they put him there for some time that there was no time left to explain things to him. I got so worked up that I had a go at a manager how they could put him to the other department. The whole situation of course prolongued as he could not do everything and we needed the whole week to get back to a normal level. All the time I just worked like a machine just functioning and not being there. And it drained all my energy and I was so frustrated because I thought I was over that kind of “getting worked up” and “Not being here” and am able to stay calm and just be “here” and trust everything will be ok. But maybe that is the lesson I have to learn.
    Thanks for your post. Helped to get a little closer to the lesson I need to learn 🙂

    • Thanks! One of the things I really like about Zentangles is how it has
      similarities to quilting, yet it’s much more portable. So relaxing and
      the results are always satisfying. For someone who struggles with
      drawing, it’s wonderful to have a medium that is so rewarding.

      As for the NOW, I’m beginning to see that things can be sorted into the
      parts that I enjoy and can take pleasure in, and the parts that just
      need to be completed. Set up some kind of process to take care of the
      latter so that there is more room for pleasure. That’s the current
      direction in which I’m headed. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  2. Pingback: So Amazing to HEAR: Stream of Conscious Saturday (Part 2) | Container Chronicles

  3. Great post, Deb! I could feel what you are feeling. It’s always been hard for me to stay in the “now” when the now is coming to an end. Saying pray for you. You are doing so well and you will have left a great mark there on so many.
    cate

    • Thanks, Cate! I do have to be careful though to not “check out” too
      soon. I have another year here, and even though it’s my last, I want it
      to have the same degree of commitment as the five I’ve already done.
      I’m learning to separate out the things that just need to be completed
      with the things that still bring joy to me and others. That will make
      the last year worthwhile for everyone involved. 🙂

      Thanks for your prayers and your comments. Hope your move has gone
      smoothly. 🙂

  4. Oh yes. I’ve grown restless like that many times. Right now, I feel a bit of limbo between spending time with the girls for the last days of Summer, and yet, eager to move on to quiet hours spent on projects.
    I hope you can find some pleasure in the now. It can be quite a challenge!

    The coffee. Omg. Yum! 😛

    • Yeah, there’s something about those limbo times that are difficult. I’m
      fortunate that I am beginning to understand why the present has some
      struggle in it. The feeling that I can’t produce the product I’m
      capable of because of all the restrictions. But now that I know that, I
      need to adjust the plan and the schedule, and move forward.

      I’m also setting up something kind of new for myself in the next few
      days. I’m working on how to write about it. Then it will show up. 🙂

    • Luckily, there are parts of here that I treasure, so it makes it easier
      to do what needs to be done, so that when I move on to the next chapter
      of life, I can look back on this with no regrets. 🙂

  5. I’m so familiar with the feeling of finally getting a good time to get things accomplished and then finding myself paralysed by it. Great that you’re moving forward!
    Two SoCS posts this week! Wow. Going to read the next 🙂

    • Thanks! I still feel somewhat paralyzed. I know that what I’m getting
      done is still under what I would normally get done in this kind of time
      frame, but I am trying not to get too frustrated with myself. I’m sure
      there’s much to be learned from all of this. 🙂

    • And isn’t it funny that we’re someone given the idea that it’s not
      normal to feel this way. Yet when it’s out on the table, people start
      identifying with it. It’s good to know we have a base of people who do
      relate to us, that we are not alone, and that some of the expectations
      we live under aren’t very realistic. It’s more important to support one
      another through the rough moments that come to everyone’s life and stop
      pretending that such moments are the anomaly. Thanks for the comment.
      It really is nice to now that not only am I not alone, but that I can
      support others by sharing these thoughts. 🙂

  6. Oh good lord! You aren’t the only one and I haven’t been all that good. I’ve been dwelling in the past. Time to be here. I want to be here because of the people I love , but my body screams at me and I so want to escape. I remember that discipline is the difference between being good and great. ♡♡♡♡

    • The thing I find myself repeating over and over to myself is that
      persistence is more important than will power. Just keep showing up,
      just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn’t have to be
      something I “will”; rather it is something I commit to just doing. And
      for me, it means showing up every day, in spite of the way I feel. I
      can so relate to the desire to escape, but now I’m trying to embrace
      what each moment has to teach me. Even though there are days when I
      would rather now. Hence, the just showing up.

      They say it gets better if you keep at it. I guess we’ll find out. 🙂

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